Dating in a Genderbent World

It is an odd thing to be a woman in the 21st century. Historically it has never been better. We can work, earn money, and in many aspects have total freedom relatively similar to a man's. There is a certain power that comes with the knowledge that you have more opportunities than your mom did and that your grandma did. So what does that mean for dating? How does the economic, and I will argue emotional, independence of women affect their relationships? 

Women make up 47% of the workforce, which means that virtually half of women have the means to be economically independent. More shockingly there is a diploma divide, with women making up 58% of college students. In a merit-based economy like the U.S., it appears rather obvious that women will start to outperform men in the labor market. This trend is apparent not only in statistics but in the culture, particularly, the dating culture. I seldom hear my friends talk about a guy’s future job prospects, money, or any sort of economic benefit that he could add to their lives. Rather, there is a consideration for other factors such as smarts, physique, or emotional intelligence that I can’t help but feel is far off from what women used to consider. Historically, marriages have been for economic reasons, a benefit to families that did not necessarily involve romance on the part of the young couple.

However, this shifted and in turn things like happiness and satisfaction started to be considered. While husbands were still considered the most important aspect of a woman's life, they could now choose, and be empowered by that choice, without as much economic pressure. 

This shift in what women consider when dating has also affected what men consider and how they perceive themselves. The identity of “breadwinner” has been embedded in what society considers a man to be for so long that I can’t imagine it is an easy thing to give up. Yet, it appears that men may have to. While women still are not a majority in the workforce, nor earning as much as a man (a current 82 cents per dollar, race, and ethnicity notwithstanding), women mentally, emotionally, and culturally have moved away from the idea that they need a male breadwinner to maintain them, to have a life. A guy is no longer needed for women to survive like it used to be decades ago and he is also no longer needed socially. 

Sure conversations with friends are about dating and the cute guy that she accidentally bumped into on her way here, but largely it seems to be just another thing. Just another interesting thing that happened to my friend that day, if she had watched a good show or read a good book she would have told me about it in the same way, with the same level of importance. 

Another issue to consider is the lack of connection that men have outside of romantic relationships. As many as 15% of men report having no friends at all, a striking comparison to women with only 10%.  This divide leads to men relying on their partners for emotional support and comfort, while women have a much wider web of people they can rely on. In addition, men tend to not talk to their friends about mental health or family as much as women do, so even when men have friends, they aren’t relying on them for emotional help. 

This is not to disqualify romantic relationships or invalidate feelings and emotions; instead, it is an observation that aims at a possible explanation as to why there has been so much frustration on the side of young men who have, consciously or unconsciously, internalized their economic breadwinning status as their primary gender-linked identity. Perhaps women have dethroned dating as the most important thing in their lives, while men have not made the realization that women will not prioritize them, instead, they’ll prioritize a degree. 

Additional Reading

How Have Intimate Relationships Changed Over the Years, and Where Does It Leave Us Now?